Improved Communication Skills

The name "nonviolent communication" refers to Mohandas Gandhi's philosophy of ahimsa or nonviolence. However, unlike Gandhi, Rosenberg endorses the use of protective force—the use of force to keep injury from occurring, so long as it is not punitive, i.e., force applied with the intention to punish or harm someone for a past deed. Rosenberg says the desire to punish and the use of punitive measures only exist in cultures that have moralistic good/evil worldviews. He points out that anthropologists have discovered cultures in many many parts of the world in which the idea of someone being "bad" makes no sense. He says such cultures tend to be peaceful and do not rely on punitive force to correct maladaptive or harmful behaviors. One example of such a culture is the Semai people in Malaysia.

When using NVC to communicate, one may use either formal or colloquial NVC. In formal NVC, one explicitly uses the steps of the processes for empathy and honest self-expression, and may overtly use words such as "feel" and "need." This may be well-received and effective, or may be experienced as odd and stilted. As an alternative, one may use colloquial or "street" NVC, in which the language is naturalized and may be considered NVC regardless of form so long as it springs from an awareness of needs and an intention to connect. Formal NVC is primarily used in teaching NVC and among NVC practitioners. Mastering formal NVC is recommended as a prerequisite to full effectiveness in speaking colloquial NVC.

Empathy, as practiced in NVC, is sometimes called "deep listening". It involves the listener connecting with the essential core of an individual's experience and offering a kindly energy of presence. The empathy process offered by NVC is often referred to as "giving empathy." It is more accurately a procedure that supports the development of true empathy. This process involves listening for, and sometimes guiding the other person towards describing: 1. Observations as to what happened, 2. Feelings evoked, sometimes guessing what feelings might be, if the other is (for example) in blame mode, 3. Needs both met and unmet, although the unmet needs are most likely to be provoking the feelings involved (Note: in Empathy mode, the "Request" step for the OFNR model is omitted.) The empathy process for another may be conducted out loud, as an interaction with that person, or silently, as an inner approach to awareness of that person's experience. ...

Rosenberg has used the concept of nonviolent communication in peace programs in conflict zones including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Colombia, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. The approach also has been used in projects of Restorative Justice; bringing prisoners, victims of crime, police and other interested parties together for healing and reconciliation. NVC is recognized by the government of Israel and several NVC training schools have been founded there. The theory has much in common with concepts used in mediation and conflict resolution and is used by some mediators in their work.

The NVC model has three or four steps depending on the mode of use. 1. Observation 2. Feelings 3. Needs 4. Request (optional, depending on mode) The two modes of use of the NVC model are 1. empathy, including both self-empathy, and empathy for another, and 2. honest self-expression, including "please" (request) and "thank you" (gratitude)

In NVC, priority is given to creating a high quality of connection to oneself, and between people. It is observed that without connection, effective communication cannot occur. Maintaining a focus on needs is a central premise. Needs, as the term is used in NVC, are underlying motivations that are universal, in that we all experience the same needs, even if at different times and to different degrees. Thus, needs serve as a basis for understanding each other's motivations at a level at which it is easy to be sympathetic to those motivations. Needs are distinguished from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs. If people interact only with an awareness of strategies, it is easy for people's strategies to come into conflict. Operating from an awareness of needs increases flexibility, insofar as there are typically many strategies that could lead to a given need being met. NVC practitioners also tend to find that it can be deeply satisfying to be aware of needs.

Rosenberg gave the following definition of nonviolent communication at Lausanne, Switzerland, in September, 2003: "Language, thoughts, communication skills and means of influence that serve my desire to do three things: * to liberate myself from cultural learning that is in conflict with how I want to live my life. * to empower myself to connect with myself and others in a way that makes compassionate giving natural. * to empower myself to create structures that support compassionate giving."